I'm feeling a little down today, and I can't put my finger on why. Adam asked me as I was lying awake last night (very unusual for me lately--usually I'm so tired by bed time that I can't stand up) if everything was crashing down on me. No, everything crashed down on October 20...things have just been piling up on top of the wreckage since then, and today I feel like I'm buried at the bottom of the heap. I know people say you should never wish time to go by faster, but I'd like to get a pass on that just this once and wish Aubrey a couple of weeks older, a couple of weeks bigger, a couple of weeks more of brain and lung and digestive development. It kills me to watch her struggle...it gives me actual physical pain to not be able to do something for her, anything to help. I don't know what to say when people ask me how she's doing...do they really want the 20 minute explanation about how today is different from yesterday and will be different from tomorrow? I doubt it. So usually I just say, "as ok as she can be." *sigh* We'll get through this day, and then we'll get through another. One at a time. Thankfully we have many boxes of kleenex.
-Keli
7p.m.
Feisty Pants is still having her episodes...maybe it's just me hoping, but they seem better than they were before she was put back on the vent last week. She'll drop her heart rate and oxygen, but her HR will jump back up quickly and her sats will follow. The nurse had to help her out once today, but she generally got things worked out herself. They doubled her feeding amount; hopefully she'll tolerate it ok without spit-ups. Adam and I both got to hold her this afternoon, so that was nice.
Sigh. Of course you're hurting. You're a mama. I'm sorry things are this way right now. And hey, you get all the free passes you want. I understand wanting to fast-forward through this time. It's such a waiting game, and it's grueling trying to be patient during this time. Just meditate on how good God is. I was just thinking about the words to How He Loves Us yesterday. "My heart turns violently inside of my chest. I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us." It must feel like your heart is just constantly being tugged by little Aubrey. The Lord understands how worried you are, how tired you are, how much you just want this to be over. And it will be. I wish there was some magical way to move past this. :(
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