We checked on her about 9:00 last night and she had just had 2 episodes about 30 minutes apart. I talked to the nurse this morning, and she didn't have any more episodes after that for the rest of the night. I'm so, so confused. She now weighs just a hair over 5lbs.
People think I'm strong and laid back and am handling this like a pro. I know you that have been reading this blog from the beginning know what a wimp I really am underneath. The ones that think I'm strong don't realize that I cry all the way home from the hospital or in the dark of the morning on the way to work or in the shower. I can pretty much cry at the drop of a hat if you push me. The afternoon I was put into the hospital with contractions that I didn't know were contractions, a sneaky little slip of dread crept into my body, surrounding my insides and squeezing like a boxer's fist ever since. Even if Aubrey's having a good day, I'm never free from the hard, cold knot of worry and fear that sits heavy in my stomach. Some might think I'm being melodramatic when I say this (those that know me well know I'm no drama queen), but I live in abject terror that the NICU number is going to light up my phone and someone is going to tell me that something unthinkable has happened. This thought has gone through my mind every day for 83 days now. As Adam says, we'll take Aubrey any way we can get her. Of course we will. But I have to add that we can't take her home like this. Yes, the nurses are wonderful and calm and know what to do when she has episodes, but they are used to seeing it and it is not their own child turning blue in front of them. Adam asked me last night if I was scared, and I immediately said yes. He then asked if I was scared of something happening at the hospital or in the future when she came home. Both.
-Keli
7p.m.
I went to see our girl about 11:30 this morning--I couldn't wait any more. She had done well through the morning and did well while I was there until about 1p.m. Adam and I went back about 4 so he could see her before he went to work. She did ok when he was there, and then as soon as he walked out the door she had an episode. It wasn't crazy bad and I sat her up and jiggled and patted her out of it. About 30 minutes later, she had an exact replica of the awful, horrible episode she had yesterday afternoon. It was at the exact same time and she did the same thing--her oxygen and heart rate both dropped far too low and she had to be bagged. This time though, my mom had just gotten there and saw milk come out of her nose and her mouth. Poor sweet baby. I just want to fix this for her. :( On the plus side, both of my parents got to hold her today.
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| Aubrey and Ceecee |
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| Aubrey and D |
MY sweet Keli/Adam: I am no expert at ANYTHING--but I do know that worry seems to be a part of parenting(still do it with Chad and Rachel). Leading into trust and faith in Aubrey's maker--I read a sweet book after Christen died that talks about the conception of a child and how all those that "know" the child are in a room in heaven watching the merging of cells and the angels speaking the childs name even before the parents know the name. HE knows how you are feeling and loves our Aubrey. love you,pam
ReplyDeleteIt broke my heart to see another one of these episodes. I felt so helpless...so I can not even imagine how painful it is for you. It also hurts me to see you hurt. I continue to pray, I do not know what else to do. I love you. Mom/CeCe
ReplyDeleteGod has HIS hand on Adam, You, and Aubrey. I realize how tough this is on you all and wish there was something more that I could do for everyone. All I can do is pray and think of you every day. I have been following your blog now for some time and appreciate Dad passing along the address to me.
ReplyDeleteJust to say that I love you guys and hang on to each other. Aubrey will be coming home to you soon enough and will grow so much and so rapidly, you will not know how she does it.
God Bless....Uncle Bill P.