The night nurse said Aubrey had a really good night. She had no episodes. She dropped her sats a few times but never her heart rate, and she brought it back up on her own. She's at 4lb 15.5oz...so close to 5 pounds! I have a hard time believing she's that big--she's like a normal sized baby now! She really is going to be the monster baby of the NICU.
-Keli
1p.m.
The doctor called right as we were getting ready to leave home for the hospital. He said her brain scan was fine and nothing had changed since the last one. The ultrasound on her heart showed a slight thickening of the wall of her right ventricle; he said this is common in preemies and it isn't getting in the way of any of the heart's function. Blood flow is still good from the heart to the lungs, and it should resolve itself in time. The ear/nose/throat dr (ENT) was there to check out another baby, so the dr asked if he had time to look at Aubrey. He put a scope down her throat to check for damage from reflux, and there was none. He also checked to make sure she had no hemangiomas (the red patches on her nose and neck) inside her throat that could be causing issues, and she didn't. So, the doctor said now that all those tests are out of the way and came back ok, that leads us back to just waiting on her to mature some more.
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| cute little feet |
Aubrey had no episodes all day, and none while we were there...until about 5:15 or so. The eye doctor was coming about 6 to check her eyes again and the nurse leaned over to put the dilating drops in her eyes when her oxygen dropped out and her heart rate followed. It was a bad one. Bad. Scary. Oxygen saturation down to about 5% and her heart rate down in the 40s. We think she choked on reflux or something because she finally coughed and let out a little cry and started to come back up (after sitting her up and whacking her back and bagging her). *sigh* Of course I was in tears again by the time she pinked up, and I held her and just cried for a little bit. She was fine again after that; didn't even flinch when the nurse put in her eye drops 3 times.
When the doctor told me a couple of days ago that we'd just have to wait on her and give her time, I was ok with it because I know he's right. The clerk was there with us when he was talking to me, and she said that I seemed so laid back about it. Well, I usually am, because, really, what can I do? But then Aubrey turns blue again. And suddenly I have no patience. I want this to end. I want her better. Now. The doctor asked me ages ago if I could build a time machine so we could skip to when she was more mature. I'm not exactly qualified for that, but, if I could build one, I wouldn't go forward; I'd go back in time and keep Aubrey in the womb until she was at least 37 weeks along so none of us would have to go through this NICU thing. I'm so very tired of watching Aubrey struggle.
And I'm so very jealous watching other babies go home. I should have kept a running total of all the babies that have come into and gone home from the NICU during our stay. We've been there the longest, and I try to smile and be happy for the ones going home; I am honestly happy for them, but I'm also absolutely green with envy. Sometimes it just feels like this is never going to end. Like she's never going to be ready to bottle feed. Like she's never going to stop having episodes. Like I'm going to have to keep leaving her at the hospital every night and live a sad half-life separated from her. I KNOW that we've had a relatively smooth NICU road--no surgeries, no huge setbacks, nothing that can, and often does, come with having a 24 weeker. I'm thankful for that. I am. But I'm dealing with what we DO have, and in dealing with it for this long I have gotten tired. But again, what can I do? Nothing. I have no control over anything but myself and how I react. I'm trying to react positively and not crumple into a soggy pile on the ground. Sometimes my resolve works. Sometimes it doesn't.
That was the worst episode I have ever seen. I have seen her turn blue several times but not white. The whole ordeal lasted about 2 minutes once I saw her turn blue. I had her and started to sit her up and rub her head but that wasn't enough. Thankfully the nurse was there and started hitting her back really hard and squeezing her chest. Of course I switched to cop mode and calmed my voice down, checked 360 for other threats, saw where Keli was and started handing the nurse the bag and other stuff. I was right in the middle of things and almost had to bag my own daughter. The other two nurses in the room were elbow deep in another condo with a 23 weeker so they weren't able to assist. But our nurse handled the situation. She said it was a bad episode. But for her it was just another day at the office. She and all the other nurses perform their jobs everyday and handle baby episodes like it was taking blood pressure. Those nurses are unsung heros.
Oh the emotions caught up with me a few minutes later but I am ok. Keli is having a rough night as expected. We are making it, albeit barely.
- adam
So not the update I wanted to hear. Praying without ceasing.
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