Thursday, January 17, 2013

5:45 a.m.

It's a terrible feeling when you wake up after a nightmare about your child and you can't just jump up and run into her room and reassure yourself that she's really ok.  So when I woke up in a bit of a cold sweat this morning, I had to call the hospital to check on her.  But, when Adam is at work at that time sometimes he calls and checks on her, so I called him first.  He had just gotten off the phone with the NICU (great minds and all that) and said Aubrey was ok.  She had no episodes and did fine all night.  Weighs 5lb 9oz.  I haven't really had any bad nightmares since I was pregnant, and I had some crazy ones then (waking up punching because I had been shot and someone was digging the bullet out of my leg and it hurt, dang it; being stuck on a burning boat and waking up to the smell of smoke so strong that I had to walk around the house to make sure it wasn't on fire).  I hate being away from her, dreaming that she's not ok and not being able to look at her in person when I wake up.  I hope she remembers that I'm her mama and that the other ladies that have taken care of her for almost 13 weeks, as wonderful as they are, are only stand-ins.

-Keli

giving me the stink eye and a ninja chop after changing her diaper

7p.m.

So today wasn't her best day.  The nurse said she had "a little something" around lunchtime, and then she had another little something while I was there with her.  It wasn't her worst episode, but I was so hoping we were moving past these.  I'm really trying to be patient because I know she can't help it, but boy watching her oxygen go up and down and then up and then too far down is still so exhausting.  I hate feeling anxious every time I go to see her; I'm always worried I'll see her next worst episode.  Adam and I decided it would be so much easier if we didn't love Aubrey so much; we wouldn't be in the NICU so much and see her episodes.  It's a lot easier to hear over the phone, "oh, she had an episode" than it is to watch her turn blue and have to jiggle her back to breathing again.  But, alas, we are "cursed" with being totally in love with her, so that means we spend a lot of time in the NICU, and that means we have slowly gone a little crazy with stress in the past 12 weeks.  I guess your kids making you crazy never really ends though, does it? ;)

-Keli