Wednesday, January 2, 2013

7a.m.

Aubrey had another one of those bad episodes during the night, one where they had to use the mask and the bag that they pump manually to give her breaths (you've probably seen them on medical shows).  She's not having more episodes; it just seems that the ones she does have are more dramatic.  I wondered about that--why they are having to bag her lately when they didn't before.  I didn't think to ask yesterday, but Adam asked for me when he talked to the nurse this morning.  The answer hadn't occurred to me, but it should have: when she was on the CPAP, it was giving her air with pressure.  It was still pushing a little air in along with extra oxygen.  Now, on the nasal cannula, there is no extra pressure--the oxygen is just there and she is breathing it in with none being pushed in.  So, when her oxygen drops like a rock, the bag is to put that extra pressure into her breaths to remind her to suck air in on her own again.  The nurse said that we had to remember that even though she's been here 10 weeks, she still isn't really supposed to be breathing air yet.  Her little, still under-developed lungs get tired and the episodes are normal.  Ok, that makes me feel a little better, but it's still terrifying to watch your baby stop breathing and start turning blue.

Other than that episode, she did fine last night. No spit ups, full diapers.  She weighs 4lb 2oz. 

Being this worried all the time is absolutely exhausting. I know people mean well when they tell me to look ahead to when she is home and how wonderful things will be then.  I appreciate that, and of course I do look forward to that time.  What they don't know, however, is that all I can see right now is what Aubrey still has to overcome before she can even get home--breathing episodes, learning to eat without a tube, etc.  And then, after she does get home, she will still have a million doctor's appointments and check ups and rechecks and crazy infection risks and people will want to see her and I'll have to tell them that they can't for another 2 months and...*sigh*  Now I'm even more exhausted. There are so many times when I wish I could just have a pregnancy do-over with her.  Give us both a second shot at keeping her safe and sound a while longer.  Let me do the work and give her a break, the way it was supposed to happen.

-Keli

sweet little face

7p.m.

My day didn't really get any better.  I stayed with Aubrey for a long time this afternoon, and she had several pretty significant de-sats--one was almost a bad episode but her heart rate didn't technically drop far enough even though her oxygen got down into the teens.  She went down into the 40s a few times and milk came out of her nose a little bit two times...the nurse had to jiggle her and suction her nose and mouth out.  It's really hard for this mama to watch her go through that over and over again.  I worry about her and then I get all emotional and then the nurses worry about me.  Please continue to pray that this reflux issue will resolve itself.  We really don't want to have to go to MCG for a pH study (they figure out the severity of the reflux and how they can treat it--anywhere from medicine to surgery)--if she was sent there we would have to stay there until she's better and can go home.  I really don't want to go through moving her and leaving the nurses and doctors we love.  Of course we would do that if it was best for her, but I just pray it doesn't come to that.

wearing clothes now that she's in the bassinet.  Her feet look so big because they're wrapped in cotton under the socks (they had to prick her heels to draw blood today).

-Keli